"THE HISTORY OF THE INSANE CHURCH OF THE MONKEY"
by Paul Valinto
excerpt: book 1, chapter 2, section 4
The origin of the church of the monkey has been traced back to the year 3400 BC, where Krag, a dirt farmer, fell in love with his pet monkey, Strag. As he spent his days beholding the beauty of his beloved pet, he came to the realization that monkeys and men had a lot in common. He is generally credited as the original believer of evolution. He and several other monkey fans got together and wrote their thoughts in a book called, "monkey monkey, who's got the monkey." This was the founding of The First Insane Church of the Monkey.
The church flourished over the next few hundred years, until around the year 3050 BC when a lumberjack named Fraggo came up with the theory that man evolved from monkey, and that man was evolving into rocks. His bold new ideas fairly shook the church, which eventually disbanded and reformed as The Second Insane Church of the Monkey.
This church did fairly well over the next millennium, until a steady decline in membership caused church officials to rethink their philosophies. They ultimately decided that man couldn't evolve into rocks, since rocks weren't hairy. Instead, they claimed, man was slowly evolving into kiwi fruit. Thus the beginning ofThe Third Insane Church of the Monkey
This theory was a good one, unfortunately, over the next thirteen hundred years, the officials of the church were morons. Thus they disbanded and reformed numerous times with little or no changes, and thus The Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth, and Tenth Churches of the Monkey came and went. Circa 1750 BC the congregations said to hell with it and deposed all of the officials.
About then the widespread theory that man wasn't done evolving from monkeys was flying around in the minds of philosophers, and the church, ever willing to change to suit the masses, reformed as The Eleventh Insane Church of the Monkey
This was all well and good until the philosopher Stan was credited with coming up with the theory that man wasn't done evolving from monkeys but when he was done he would look like a tuna fish. blah blah blah, enter stage right The Twelfth Insane Church of the Monkey in 201 AD.
It was in the glorious year 443 BC that THOMAS SASQUATCH LOVE JONES-SMITH HARTKEMEYER, better known as ST. TOM, introduced the theory that man was in the process of evolving from monkey, and that highest evolution would be reached in the year 1982 AD, after which man would proceed to de-evolve back into monkey. What a great guy. It is in reverence to St. Tom that THE THIRTEENTH INSANE CHURCH OF THE MONKEY was formed in BC 446.