The Story of the Monkey and the Watermelon

Ancient Parable

as told by Hugo Wayans

contributions by Todd Wilkinson, Dwight Harry, Stewart Savin, and A. Lee Broket

A monkey was walking through a garden with a poodle in one hand and a five pound salami in the other. As he approached the lemon tree, he noticed a red and black striped mongoose with an eye patch resting under a tree. The mongoose said,

"Arrr. Greetings and salutations, tiny monkey. Answer me five riddles and I shall give ye the secret to eternal life. Arrrrg."

the monkey replied, "Oh yeah? Well maybe I don't want eternal life. All I want is a banana."

the mongoose said, "Oh, yeah. Arrrrg. A banana. I can do that. But if ye fail....I SHALL DEVOUR YER SOUL!!"

"I'm not scared. I had wheaties for breakfast and I drink Ensure. It makes me feel like a monkey 1/10th of my age!"

"Shut up and listen to me riddles. Arrrrrg." said the mongoose, who was a pirate in training.

"Me first riddle is this. What has five legs and no balls, and a pink handkercheif? Arrrrgh."

"Hmmm." replied the monkey. "That's easy. It is a mutant castrate gay spotted Peruvian llama. Duh."

"Arrrrrg. Bruce Willis must have let out me secret. Ye got one, but are ye ready for the next riddle? Arrrgh?"

"Bring it on, goose."

"Arrrrgh. What do a rabbit, a 52 piece ratchet set, John Travolta, and a shrubbery have in common?"

"They were all in the secret sex scene from Flash Dance. It's on the special collector's edition laser disc.

"Arrrrg. Foiled again. But you'll never get me next riddle. Aye, matey. What has head but can't get any, has body but no limbs, and taste but no sense of humor?"

"That was a bad riddle, but the answer is Ale. Hearty Ale."

"Arrrgh. Blow me, matey. Batton me hatches and call me Susan." said the mongoose, "prepare for # 4."

"ready," said the monkey.

"What's indestructinble, has no legs, but lots of balls, and can carry 30 people?

"**yawn** Ah, you must be talking about a 1973 dodge polara."

"Damn and damn again. Arrrrrrrgh. all right, matey. You'll never get this one. Arrrrrgh. Why does it hurt when I pee?"

"Easy. You were with my sister last night. I sent her to get me bananas and she came back drunk and smelling like mongoose. All right, i win. Where's my banana?"

"I...uh.....that is......." at this point, the mongoose turned tail and ran.

The monkey, now very angry, picked up a large stick and ran after him. After several minutes of chase, the monkey caught up to the mongoose, and upon doing so, bashed his head in with the stick.

The parable ends here. Over the years, various philosophers have drawn many conclusions from this story, but most frequently, they say the moral is one of two things:

A. Never trust a black and red striped pirate trainee mongoose.

or

B. don't ever fuck with animal with opposable digits who drink Ensure or they'll beat your ass severely.

 

 

 

we'll never know. oh fuck, who really cares?

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