Hall of the Monkeys

SAINT TOM 400-472 AD

PATRON SAINT OF THE THIRTEENTH INSANE CHURCH OF THE MONKEY

SAINT TOM, FATHER OF THE THIRTEENTH INSANE CHURCH OF THE MONKEY

BORN THOMAS SASQUATCH LOVE JONES-SMITH HARTKEMEYER, SAINT TOM IS THE MAN ORIGINALLY CREDITED WITH THE IDEA THAT MAN EVOLVED FROM AND WILL EVENTUALLY DE-EVOLVE TO MONKEYS. IT WAS HIS PROPHECIES THAT PREDICTED THAT IT WOULD HAPPEN IN THE YEAR 1982. HIS STARTLING ACCURACY WITH THAT EVENT LEADS US TO BELIEVE THAT HIS OTHER PROPHECIES WILL ALSO COME TRUE. IN HIS 72 YEARS OF LIFE, HE HAS BEEN CREDITED WITH SAVING OVER 500 MONKEYS FROM CERTAIN DEATH AT THE HANDS OF SHAMPOO TESTERS AND PERVERTED VIKING CROSSDRESSERS. THROUGHOUT THE YEARS, THE HARTKEMEYER NAME HAD BEEN CARRIED ON ALONG WITH THE LEGACY THAT IS THE INSANE CHURCH OF THE MONKEY. TODAY, THE CHURCH IS IN THE HANDS OF RORY LAZARUS UNCLE WILLY-JACKSOM HARTKEMEYER, WHO RUNS THE CHURCH OUT OF HIS BASEMENT-TURNED CHURCH OFFICE. YOU CAN CONTACT RORY BY SENDING MAIL TO opiate80@usa.net.

THE FOUR SUPREME GODS

GANÕ: The Monkey of Compassion

Ganõ, the youngest and least powerful of the four greater monkeys, is said to rule from a golden palace in the highest levels of the Heavens. He is responsible for compassion and friendship between man and monkey.

PINÕ: The Monkey of Vengeance

Pinõ, dark twin and arch enemy of Ganõ, resides in a condo in the red-light district of hell. He walks undetected among mortal men, causing fits of anger where ever he goes.

CASSUMÕ: The Monkey of Lust

Cosumõ is a jovial God, prancing around singing songs, taking pleasure in watching mortals men and monkeys fornicate. Cosumõ carries a plentiful bag full of alcohol, sleeping pills and prophilactics.

MONSSAMÕ: The Monkey of Apocalypse

Before the creation of earth, Monssamõ reigned supreme. Who or Whatever created the earth imprisoned him in a vault in the center of the earth. Once the man-monkey evolution/de-evolution cycle is complete, Monssamõ will once again roam free, destroying all life on earth and possibly earth itself.

THE EIGHT MONKEY PROPHETS OF THE MODERN AGES

ÆGID 422-623 AD

The first of the eight lesser monkey prophets, ÆGID defied the expected monkey life expectancy by living 201 years. After hearing the words of ST TOM and leaving his family at age 4, he wandered the Antarctic wastes preaching the word of the monkey to the now extinct southern snow monkeys until his his untimely death in a snowmobile accident in the year 623.

FORGNOD

FORGNOD 602-654 AD

After being inspired by the words of ÆGID at a convention in the year 610, "FORGNOD THE RESTLESS" used his strong presence and eloquent speech to inspire monkeys in jungles all over the world until his capture and death at the hands of the native humans of what is now California.

ABU-BABU

ABU-BABU 601-666 AD

Childhood friend of FORGNOD, ABU was captured by humans and kept as a pet. At the age of 26 he was freed by the great-great-grandson of ST. TOM and heir to his legacy, FRED. He then moved to a remote Himalayan monastery where he spent the rest of his life in contemplation of the works of ST. TOM. His ideas were recorded in his book, "Diary of a man trapped in a monkey's body"

MIMI

MIMI 652-702 AD

MIMI goes down in the record books as the first and only female prophet of the 13th Insane Church of the Monkey. She was remembered as a quiet monkey who kept to herself, but left her legacy written on the walls of public restrooms all over the world. Some of these restrooms have been excavated and restored and can now bee seen at the Chicago Museum of Monkey History.

LYLE

LYLE 650-732 AD

LYLE, the first and only son of ABU-BABU was abandoned by his father but still held great respect for him. He spent most of his time healing the sick and feeding the poor during the long, cold winters of Constantinoble. Not much is know of LYLE's later years, although it is rumored that he was stoned to death in Japan by fanatic anti-monkey activists in 732.

UNCLE BOBO

UNCLE BOBO 701-721 AD

Though he only lived 20 years, UNCLE BOBO was dubbed "The Golden Monkey" and had temples built in his honor by the ancient Greek spider monkeys. His theories were recorded in "Chronicles of the Golden One, Vol. 1-932", although no one knows exactly where the books are.

KHANSUS KREN

KHANSUS KREN 839-903

The birth of KHANSUS KREN finally put an end to the dark age of the Insane Church of The Monkey. His insight into the relationship between man and monkey still puzzles modern philosophers, especially his statement, "Man is to Monkey as my foot is to a cheese sandwich."

BUTROS-BUTROS MUNKY

BUTROS-BUTROS MUNKY 897-965 AD

The last and possibly greatest of the latter day monkey prophets, BUTROS-BUTROS MONKEY was the monkey held responsible for strengthening the relationship between man and monkey. If he hadn't dictated the historic MAN la MONKEY treaty of 942, the Church of the Insane Monkey might not exist today.

note: as a member of the Thirteenth Insane church of the Monkey, you will have unlimited access to the works of the prophets and history of the church! join now!!!